Not solely did Gwayne ditch Criston Cole simply in time, he bought to take a shower, eat a pleasant meal, and present up Ormund. Good for him.
Photograph: Ollie Upton/HBO
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The Home of the Dragon Scorecard is an accounting of the occasions of this week’s episode, “Faceless Males”, by which factors are awarded to characters on a scale of 0 to 10. Factors will likely be awarded for any or no cause.
It might be enjoyable to see what an episode of Home of the Dragon seems like from the attitude of the folks on the town. None of those nobles or royals or knights. No dragonriders. Only a stable hour the place we comply with a couple of of the smallfolk, ideally ones who frequent an area tavern and have unfastened lips and many opinions on the issues which are happening round them. Cheers, principally. I want to see the Cheers model of Home of the Dragon, however with Ulf’s buddies and perhaps Sylvia from the brothel clueing us in to the phrase on the road as all this is happening.
Did you hear Alicent is being held hostage within the fort?
I heard Rhaenyra’s council is bickering and throwing issues at each other.
Who do you suppose is flying that mysterious dragon that murdered the prince?
God, I wager they’ve such nice, unhinged opinions on all of it. I’m a bit aggravated that I can’t hear them. I wager you are actually, too. Nicely, sadly for each of us, the one unhinged opinions we’re getting this week are coming from me.
To the factors…
Rhaenyra is chasing ghosts, man. Attempting to please a father she idolizes, one who additionally form of brought about this entire mess by marrying her finest buddy and clinging to energy long gone the purpose he was match to take action. All the things is my father this and my father that, none of which is doing a single factor to deal with the truth in entrance of her. There’s no cash. The persons are getting fed up. There are rats in every single place, each figuratively and actually. She’s making unhealthy selections, generally ones which are merciless, whether or not it’s out of pettiness or inexperience or each. She doesn’t appear to be having an excellent time being queen.
This brings me to the funniest a part of this week’s episode: Rhaenyra slicing her finger on a sharp a part of the Iron Throne she labored so exhausting to assert. Perhaps you want your metaphors subtler. Perhaps you want little winks and nods that require a depth of data and cautious studying between the strains. Me? No, thanks. Bash me proper over the top with the obvious stuff you’ve bought. I’ve bought different issues to get to. I’m not manufactured from time.
See, you suppose it may possibly’t get a lot worse than “you and your secretly pregnant daughter — determined to flee the fort you’re being held captive inside — get tricked by a cat into making an attempt to flee via a secret passage, however you get trapped in there in the dead of night.” However then, whoops, now you’re on a secret mission to assassinate your evil son whereas your daughter stays captive below the watchful eye of your former buddy who might or might not view that unborn youngster as a risk to her rapidly crumbling rule.
An enormous a part of me hopes Alicent discovers that she loves being an murderer. Simply working round sporting cloaks, slinking into and out of castles, slicing the throats of all who cross her. Let Alicent have some enjoyable, I say.
I’m at a bizarre place with Daemon proper now. Like, he’s proper, form of. Rhaenyra is making an attempt to have it each methods as a ruler, and her refusal to deal with a set of very actual issues in a definitive method is inflicting much more issues — her troopers are quitting en masse, assassins roam her streets, her dragonriders are going rogue left and proper, and many others.
However he additionally needs to unravel most of these issues by raining hearth down on the harmless and responsible alike to quash dissent and create a fear-based energy construction the place he primarily turns into a god, which … I don’t like. What I would like is one thing like 70 % of Daemon. Sand off the authoritarian edges a bit. Simply sit back a bit, dude.
However I suppose if he did that, he wouldn’t be Daemon. You may see my dilemma right here.
I nonetheless wish to know the place Vhagar is. I’m really form of mad the present hasn’t informed us but. There was a second or two the place I assumed — hoped? — we noticed Vhagar when Rhaena emerged from her cave/lair and appeared off into the sky at a dragon swooping via the sky, however then I noticed the second dragon and realized it was simply Baela and Addam. What the hell, man?
The silver lining right here is that I can proceed dreaming up enjoyable issues Vhagar is doing till we now have exhausting proof to show in any other case. Proper now, I’m actually having fun with the considered Vhagar going from city to city doing small cons to maintain a life on the run. Numerous disguises. Sun shades, aliases, the entire deal.
[Extremely celebrity-gossip-blog voice]
Scorching new couple alert! We’re listening to whispers from our staff of snoopers in Harrenhal that Alys and Aemond — sure, the witch and the one-eyed prince — are shacking up within the leaky outdated fort! Is the rain setting the temper? Has she solid a spell on the lacking royal? What’s going to we now have to begin calling them — Alymond? Aelys? Your guess is pretty much as good as ours, reader.
However wait … it will get extra attention-grabbing:
One in all our little spies claimed to have seen her lugging round a chest full of dragon eggs. Are there little winged infants of their future? Are they transferring too quick? Pontificate within the feedback!
To recap:
• Strutted round like a peacock.
• Virtually bought himself murdered by assassins as a result of he was so blinded by their stink and his personal self-regard that he couldn’t see it coming.
• Threw up a bit.
I get excited each time he exhibits up on the display screen. What a doofus. I might pay $50 to see him get trapped in a porta potty on the third day of a three-day music competition.
Ditched Criston simply in time. Recognized and killed a bunch of would-be assassins. Bought to take a shower and eat a meal.
It’s all developing Gwayne, child.
It’s good that we now know he hates Ormund as a result of it opens the door for a scenario the place the meek little prince that Ormund is principally utilizing as a pawn burns him to loss of life with one of many dragons he despises. One thing to keep watch over.
There’s actually not a lot of a universe the place any of this ends nicely for Helaena, proper? She spent most of this episode moping and sighing and begrudgingly accepting small spoonfuls of soup, and that was earlier than her mother was despatched off on a secret homicide mission. Barring some form of wild “her visions turn out to be helpful in a means that permits her to make a transfer or two in her personal self-interest or in a means that Rhaenyra can exploit” scenario, it seems bleak.
I would love Helaena to be joyful. I don’t suppose it’s going to work out for both of us.
Hey, let’s verify in with the dragonriders:
• Hugh disobeyed orders and left his watch to sneak into city to see his spouse, who was understandably not thrilled to see a man who ran off to wrangle a dragon whereas she suffered quite a few atrocities making an attempt to fend for herself.
• Ulf disobeyed orders and tried to sneak again into city to hang around along with his tavern buddies, solely to be caught by Daemon and embarrassed in the midst of the road in entrance of a crowd of individuals, a few of whom most likely know his tavern buddies and can relay the story of Massive Dangerous Dragonrider Ulf getting slapped down in public.
• Rhaena disobeyed orders and left her hideout to go ask permission to attempt to see her sister, solely to be chewed out and slapped within the face and informed to go crawling again to her icy mountain cave, persevering with her inadvertent quest to re-create the origin story of the Grinch.
Typically I watch this present and discover myself questioning how issues ended up the place they’re firstly of Sport of Thrones, with no dragons to be seen. Then I see what the dragonriders are as much as and I say, “Oh, I get it now.”
It’s good to discover a job you get pleasure from, whether or not that’s running a blog about tv exhibits or heaving folks via a gap within the flooring and watching them plunge lots of of toes to their loss of life. An vital factor Woman Jeyne and I’ve in frequent.
She performed this one mistaken. She is aware of she did. She discovered Helaena is pregnant and thought she may use it as leverage, as a approach to shield herself in case Daemon began exerting extra affect, however then Alicent went and blurted it out to Rhaenyra anyway. Now she has to take out a gossipy maid to cowl her tracks. That is the sport she selected to play. It sucks when it doesn’t work out. Not as a lot because it sucks for the gossipy maid. However nonetheless.
I wager, when he stumbled into Aegon and Larys and determined to staff up with them after being shoved into the ocean and left for useless, he didn’t count on to be digging graves within the woods this quickly.
Life comes at you quick, Tyland.
On one hand: There may be not a lot I can consider that’s funnier than Criston, in speedy succession, getting fooled by fake-dead troopers, realizing he’s surrounded, dramatically pulling out Alicent’s handkerchief and smelling it and tying it to his sword as he prepares to die a noble loss of life on the battlefield, after which thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap: taking a sequence of arrows to the chest and face that had been fired by a girl dressed up like Braveheart and standing lots of of yards away. Only a completely humiliating means for this bozo to exit.
However: I’m … going to overlook him? I feel? I had gotten so used to kicking him round that there’s going to be a void now. I don’t know. I’m not comfy with how that is making me really feel. Let’s transfer on and by no means focus on it once more.
My editor at Vulture has knowledgeable me that that is the identify of the mysterious archer who iced Criston from throughout that discipline. That is helpful data, each so I can correctly award the factors and so I do know what to get tattooed throughout my chest later this week.
Bullet factors:
• Tricked Criston and his males with the zombie soldier ruse.
• Terrific hair.
• Seems to be lovable in his battlefield outfit, like a bit Mr. Army Man.
I really like him.
Excellent news: He bought in that one good line to Corlys about how Rhaenyra isn’t the one one who dragged her toes on acknowledging him.
Dangerous information: Nicely, guess what … assassins and/or kidnappers have come for Corlys once more.
Questionable information: I’m wondering how that subsequent dialog with Addam goes to go, the one the place he has to say, Okay, so Dad is gone and I’ve been smooching Baela a bit …
About that final half …
Take a look at Baela. One week, she’s bought Addam fussing over her and ensuring she takes a nap. The following, she’s bought Alyn respiratory heavy and leaning in for a smooch. She’s bought each of the Hulls twirled round her finger. Will all of it finish nicely? No, after all not, and that is the place I level out that, within the occasion the brothers go to struggle over her affections, solely one among them has a dragon. However these are little issues we name tomorrow issues. We are able to cope with them then.
That is now the second episode this season that has ended with Corlys seemingly useless however most likely alive. That’s a fairly unbelievable share. A stable .333 batting common of “Is He Lifeless?” cliffhangers. Not even probably the most dramatic soap-opera characters can pull that off. Good for him.
Between the smelly assassins Gwayne thwarted and the man Daemon busted and stabbed via the ear, it was not a terrific week for undercover assassins on this present. An enterprising businessman may see this type of inefficiency and begin an murderer coaching faculty in Westeros, form of like no matter is happening with the ballerinas within the John Wick universe. That is, at its most simple type, the free market at work.
I really like that this poor child bought referred to as again to the fort and the one instances we’ve seen him are when Rhaenyra pops into his bed room to observe him sleep. An amazing gig for the actor who performs him, too. Two full credited episodes the place all he has to do is lie nonetheless and perhaps have a pleasant woman stroke his hair. I’m additionally obtainable for roles like this, if any casting director is wanting. Supply solely, no audition. Please attain out to my agent.
Alys the Witch: 39
Mysaria: 35
Alicent Hightower: 32
Alyn of Hull: 32
Helaena Targaryen: 31
Daemon Targaryen: 28
Alysanne Blackwood: 25
Larys Sturdy: 25
Rhaenyra Targaryen: 24
Hugh Hammer: 23
Corlys “The Sea Snake” Velaryon: 23
Gwayne Hightower: 23
Grand Maester Orwyle: 22
Addam of Hull: 22
Baela Targaryen: 20
The Rats of King’s Touchdown: 19
Ulf the White: 18
Daeron Targaryen: 18
Ser Torrhen Manderly: 18
Rhaena Targaryen: 17
Ormund Hightower: 16
Oscar Tully: 14
Tyland Lannister: 10
Ser Simon Sturdy: 10
Sylvi: 9
Admiral Sharako Lohar: 9
The One Man at Harrenhal Who Noticed a Huge Hearth-Respiratory Dragon Swoop Towards the Fort and Reacted by Shouting “Dragon!”: 9
Joffrey Targaryen: 8
Woman Jeyne Arryn: 7
Aegon II Targaryen: 6
The Excessive Septon: 5
Pretend Daeron Targaryen: 4
Otto Hightower: 2
The Poor Shepherd Daemon Torched and Mentioned Was Sheepstealer’s Rider: 2
Jacaerys “Jace” Velaryon: 1
Ser Lorent Marbrand: 1
Ser Criston Cole: 0.00000000001
Lord Jasper: 0
Numerous Undercover Assassins: 0
Aemond Targaryen: -92
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