Southern Attraction
Single and Able to Mingle
Season 11
Episode 1
Editor’s Score
3 stars
***
Photograph: Michael SeRine/Bravo
If on this silly world each Netflix present opens with a useless physique, then almost each Bravo present opens with an enormous struggle. It’s the very same method, present us the craziest factor that’s going to occur this season — on this case, it’s a struggle between Austen and Craig about how Austen feels about Craig’s claims of being an addict — after which work backwards from there. It labored with the unique The Actual Housewives of New Jersey, which opened with Teresa Giudice’s notorious desk flip (which is extra like a desk shift, however no matter) after which rewound to point out us how we bought there. It does appear to have diminishing returns within the Bravoverse, nevertheless, particularly as a result of those that observe the gossip press already know what the dynamics will in all probability seem like for the season. And this episode does an important job of organising the storylines we’re going to be following for the following 15 episodes, plus two reunion specials. It seems like an important season. Did we actually want a flash ahead?
Earlier than the season wanted to skip two months forward, it did must drop a number of months again, as a result of a whole lot of issues have modified for our Craig Conover, maybe the very best head of hair on tv. It’s a testomony to the facility of our queen, Paige DeSorbo, that she remains to be driving the story on this present even after she left Southern Attraction, Bravo, and actuality tv altogether. Madison, as pregnant because the pause after your MAGA uncle stops speaking at Thanksgiving, stops by Craig’s home to speak about how he feels after the breakup. “I used to be betrayed by the particular person I trusted probably the most on this complete world. We had our complete future deliberate,” he tells her. As an example the betrayal, the editors sift by way of all of the footage throughout the Bravoverse to point out Paige speaking about how she thought he was a liar, that he informed her she shouldn’t break up with him earlier than she noticed the ring he purchased her, and that she didn’t assume that the ring ever existed as a result of, effectively, see the earlier level.
Then we get a little bit of a reality-TV exposition dump, the place Craig talks about how he began relationship the primary lady who confirmed him consideration as a result of “my ex” moved on and he was lonely. “She made me really feel complete once more, and it’s unfair for her, however after I was complete once more, I knew I had extra therapeutic to do,” he says. So, yeah, Craig dumped her ass and now he’s single, hanging out with the boys, and asking for pictures when he and Austen are chasing tail in Los Angeles.
Austen and Shep discuss this new Craig after they go purchasing for a bathe reward for Madison. Shep doesn’t need to spend $100 on a rocking horse or $350 on an enormous teddy bear in honor of Madison’s daughter Teddy, named after her father and in addition her favourite podcaster and most cancers survivor. What does Shep get her? A guide. And never simply any guide. It’s a duplicate of There Are Moms Worse Than You. I like how these two refuse to cease hating one another. She and Austen are so shut that when he calls her, she solutions the cellphone, “Hey lady!” However Shep remains to be in these streets giving her passive-aggressive presents when he may very well be saving as much as purchase his subsequent girlfriend one other shark tooth necklace.
After they buy presents, Austen tells Shep that on a visit to Los Angeles only a few days earlier than, they had been on the bar and Craig was like, “Would you like a shot?” Austen was confused as a result of Craig’s storyline final 12 months was that he wasn’t hanging out with the blokes as a lot as a result of he didn’t need to be tempted to drink. On the seaside throughout the forged journey, Craig informed Austen he was an addict. He mentioned this whereas sitting subsequent to a half-drunk bottle of champagne, in order that he’s nonetheless consuming shouldn’t have been that massive of a shock, however right here we’re, Austen and Shep not studying the indicators. Shep says he doesn’t know what’s going on with Craig as a result of Paige was Craig’s solely good friend and confidante. “He put all his eggs in that basket and that basket fell,” which is as near a Phaedra Parks learn as any of the boys on this present are ever going to get.
We now should take a quick detour to Molly’s home, and I’ve to interrupt out the handy-dandy “Molly, you at risk lady” GIF. She has simply moved right into a tiny (however lovable from the surface) home, and there may be shit all over the place. There may be her well-known euphonium, a scooter that she doesn’t journey, and a set of 1000’s of sharks’ enamel, which makes it a miracle that she and Shep didn’t work out after their hookups final season. If Rodrigo nonetheless had a mustache, I might assume that we had been the very same homosexual, as a result of he tells her that she wants to scrub and arrange this place. She has three cats (together with one adorably named Robert Downey Jr. Jr.), a canine, and a newly-acquired snake and gecko. She additionally mentioned she cleared lanes by way of the junk to the locations she usually goes. Rodrigo says it’s giving hoarder, and he’s proper. I like Molly, however, sister, it’s good to snatch it collectively earlier than the following actuality present you’re on is Intervention.
Later, at Madison’s child bathe, Molly hits it off with Kory Keefer, the large lump of meat from Winter Home and Summer time Home, who’s Craig’s bestie. Wait, final we noticed him, he was relationship Sam Feher, the blond chatterbox from the Hamptons. What occurred to that? Anyway, now Molly is loving his fuckboy power. They’re flirting, and she or he informed him that he may come over to her home and maintain her snake. He mentioned he would slightly she held his. ZING! However all I used to be considering was, Molly, don’t convey that man dwelling. He won’t ever name you once more. As an alternative, he’ll name the EPA for them to come back clear up this superfund web site.
At Madison’s bathe, lovingly organized to nice expense by Miss Pat, there may be one other Paige-centric storyline, however this has to do with a feud between Craig and Venita. That is the type of later-stage actuality story about Venita’s interview on The Viall Information and Craig’s feedback on Watch What Occurs Stay, and nothing the 2 mentioned or did to one another IRL. Venita mentioned on the podcast that she was on Paige’s facet within the breakup, that she thought Craig was milking it for consideration, and that Craig ought to have stopped the rumors that Paige was dishonest on him when he knew she wasn’t. In mild of these feedback, Craig mentioned that he didn’t need to affiliate with Venita. (The bizarre factor about all of that is that there’s footage of Venita and the opposite Southern Attraction girlies all watching that episode collectively. I can see why they could have a joint watch occasion, however why was somebody filming their reactions?)
On the occasion, Venita doesn’t need to speak to Craig as a result of she’s afraid of his mood and doesn’t need to be the one who instigates a struggle on Madison’s massive day. It was a stunning affair. Madison seemed radiant, Miss Patricia was beaming with pleasure, and her husband Brett’s arms seemed like two melons I needed to sink my enamel proper into. What? Simply because she’s about to present beginning to their first youngster doesn’t imply I can’t recognize the male type. He’s straight anyway. Guess I’ll should accept the equally hunky Rodrigo, they usually’re not far off contemplating they arrived sporting the identical shirt. Rod additionally gave Madison a really considerate reward and painted an image for her. Craig can be considerate, making her a quilt after he spent a month in Missouri studying the artwork. When will somebody simply put Craig out of his distress and provides him a Martha Stewart-style present on Netflix the place he can showcase his home abilities. It could’t be any worse than With Love, Meghan.
Again to Craig and Venita, their feud is difficult by Venita’s newfound friendship with Salley and her further E, which additionally stands for “Additional.” After Venita’s breakup with JT, a whole asshole who did us all a favor when he fucked off to Bali for good, Salley checked on her day-after-day, they usually have since change into inseparable. Salley actually needs Venita and Craig to get alongside as a result of she additionally has a crush on Craig. Venita and Craig prevented one another your complete time till Salley strolls up and says to Venita, “We’d like you to speak to Craig.” We? Who is that this we? Her and the producers? Venita says no and Salley replies, “I’m prepared so that you can…” and Venita fires again that she’s not prepared. Precisely! Let Venita do that on her personal time. Like she’s going to go to the afterparty in Whitney’s stabbin’ cabin and begin a drunken dialog with Craig earlier than she needs to speak to him? That’s loopy.
I wasn’t an enormous Salley fan earlier than this, however that is actually turning me towards her. Like Venita says, Salley is a lady’s lady till there’s a person concerned. Salley says she’s not breaking the lady code, at the least in her estimation. She says that if Venita and Craig begin yelling, she’ll have Venita’s again, however till then, she will simply flirt with Craig, and that’s okay. Logically this is senseless. If a struggle broke out and she or he had Venita’s again, it means she thinks Craig did one thing improper. If Craig did one thing improper, particularly to her good friend, why would she need to date him? It’s like he already has one strike towards him. As an alternative, Salley stands there along with her mouth agape and her eyes huge. Venita tries to go away, strolling towards the greened-out gate on the finish of the driveway. She will be able to see by way of it, to the surface, to the night sky, to the open, to freedom. She will be able to virtually really feel it, the wave of calm that can wash over her, slowing her heartbeat and soothing her jitters, however it doesn’t come. “Open the gates,” she yells, however nobody listens. “Open the gates,” she yells because the cages closes round her as soon as once more.
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