Photograph-Illustration: Adam Mazur
For the previous few years, Jenny Hagel and her colleagues at Late Night time With Seth Meyers have been “fortunately but additionally sadly” working remotely — “sadly as a result of I miss my colleagues, and fortunately as a result of now my laundry’s at all times achieved,” says Hagel. The pliability is beneficial; between writing for Meyers and internet hosting a month-to-month comedy present at Union Corridor during which she offers viewers members recommendation — aptly referred to as Jenny Hagel Provides Recommendation — and season Liberty tickets for this coming spring, she’s received her arms comparatively full. She spent final week bouncing round Brooklyn between good cups of espresso, streetside empanadas, and lots of, many purse snacks.
Sunday, February 9
There may be one form of one that everybody hates, and I’m that form of particular person: A morning particular person. I get up every single day at an hour you don’t even need to learn about it. And the very first thing I do is make myself precisely one cup of espresso. I make it every single day on the similar time, in the identical approach, with an air of formality and reverence usually reserved for a priest performing the Consecration. First, I boil water in an electrical kettle. Then I pour just a little half-and-half into my mug (as a result of life is just too brief for something with much less fats content material). After which, lastly, I pull out a tool referred to as the Melitta 1-Cup Pour-Over Espresso Brew Cone. This system is a miracle. You’ve heard of the printing press? This system is like that, however extra essential. The Melitta 1-Cup Pour-Over Espresso Brew Cone shouldn’t be fancy. It isn’t stunning to take a look at. It isn’t created from handblown glass with a glossy Scandinavian design aesthetic. It’s an unattractive lump of plastic that retails for $4.99. In the event you see one in actual life, you’ll suppose, How the hell does espresso come out of THAT? However it does. And it’s the perfect espresso that’s ever been coffee-d.
Two info about me are: (1) I’ve an 11-year-old son, and (2) I’m divorced, so my son spends a part of his time at his different mother’s home. I’m mentioning this now in order that, as this diary proceeds, you don’t examine me traipsing in regards to the metropolis and suppose, Whereas all that is occurring, who the hell is caring for her child?
Once I’m stuffed with caffeine, I textual content my buddy Tali. Considered one of her children could be very sick, so I provide to take the opposite — her 10-year-old, Harriet — off her arms for just a little bit. I do that to provide my buddy a break. But additionally? I do it as a result of Harriet is pleasant, and hanging out along with her for a day appears like a blast.
First, we head to the Apple retailer as a result of my telephone is dying. The brand new iPhone is available in 4 pastel colours, and I let Harriet select. “The pink one is basically brilliant,” she says, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. “Do you want brilliant colours or extra delicate colours?” “Extra delicate colours,” I reply. “You need to go along with the teal,” she says. She’s proper, and I do.
Parked exterior the Apple Retailer in downtown Brooklyn is a meals truck referred to as Cesar’s Empanadas. This truck is at all times there, and the empanadas are at all times good. (Empanadas are my favourite meals, and I’ve eaten extra of them than I’m keen to confess to you — or to my physician.) I order a beef empanada and eat it proper there on the sidewalk, straight out of the bag, as God meant. Harriet declines politely and eats a Luna bar from her backpack as a substitute. We’ve each made good selections.
No ladies’ day is full with out manicures, so subsequent, we head to a nail salon. Harriet runs into three totally different individuals she is aware of on the salon. I run into zero individuals I do know. I ponder quietly if it’s bizarre that my social circle is smaller than a 10-year-old’s.
As soon as our nails are dry, we head to Toyo Ramen Bar, as a result of it’s chilly exterior — the form of chilly that makes you need to eat soup out of a bowl the scale of your head. Fortunately, that’s precisely the scale of bowl that Toyo presents. We break up an order of steamed pork bao, and I get a bowl of hen wonton ramen. We speak about essential issues like what books we’re studying and the way Harriet feels about beginning center faculty subsequent yr. I add kimchi to my ramen as a result of there is no such thing as a state of affairs that has not been improved by kimchi.
I drop Harriet off at her home and head residence. The Tremendous Bowl tonight, and I solely care about it a really tiny bit. So as a substitute of going to a Tremendous Bowl celebration, I watch it alone at residence beneath an enormous blanket.
The night time earlier than, my buddy Trina invited me to an “American Meals Get together,” the place everybody introduced a type of corny casseroles that comes from a Campbell’s cookbook. The menu included a green-bean casserole with crunchy onions, a squash casserole made with a whole stick of butter, and a number of hen pot pies. Everybody thought it was very humorous till all of us took our first bites — after which it was not humorous in any respect as a result of every of these dishes was FIRE. The host despatched me residence with a bunch of leftovers, and I eat them whereas watching grownup males sort out one another for cash.
Monday, February 10
Immediately is stuffed with one million tiny, tedious duties. Whenever you’re little, grown-ups discuss to you about how sooner or later you’ll go to varsity and have a job and lift a household. They don’t let you know that, in between these issues, your life shall be stuffed with an countless to-do listing that by no means will get shorter. And that listing won’t be stuffed with the form of thrilling to-dos that you just think about grown-ups have, like “ship a bunch of pizzas to my buddy as a joke” and “escape quicksand.” It will likely be stuffed with issues like “name a physician’s workplace to argue a few invoice from six months in the past” and “ship that PDF to that man.”
To metal myself for this tedium, I make my good cup of espresso and pair that with the breakfast of kings: two items of sourdough toast, every topped with a skinny layer of Nutella. Then I sit down at my kitchen desk, open my laptop computer, and enter a fugue state.
A number of hours later, all of the boring duties have been accomplished. I’ve been sitting in the very same spot for a number of hours and I really feel gross — like while you first step out of a automobile after a protracted highway journey. To shake off this sense, I am going for a three-mile run. Once I’m achieved, I ship a textual content to a bunch of mates, reporting my accomplishment. My buddy Shermaine sends again an image of my face photoshopped onto the duvet of Monitor journal. I snort so laborious I neglect to eat lunch.
Within the night, my son and I are invited to my buddy Miwa’s home for a pizza celebration with a number of different households. Miwa is a flawless host, so she has ordered my son’s favourite kind of pizza: sausage and pineapple. I remorse to tell you that it’s scrumptious. I arrive ravenous and eat approach an excessive amount of pizza, approach too quick. A traditional mistake that I’ll make again and again till I die. (From consuming approach an excessive amount of pizza, approach too quick.)
Tuesday, February 11
Immediately is an enormous day. I lead the Fifth-Grade E book Membership at my son’s elementary faculty, and our month-to-month assembly is that this morning at 7:30 a.m. I convey snacks to every assembly as a result of I really feel strongly that any little one who reads a whole further e book, after which reveals up earlier than faculty to speak about it, deserves snacks. Immediately, I convey two packing containers of raspberry rugelach and a bag of mandarin oranges.
Getting out the door by 7:30 a.m. is hard enterprise, even for me. I make one other fast (and excellent!) cup of Cafe Bustelo. Then I eat three spoonfuls of cottage cheese straight out of the container, like a stereotype of a busy mother.
This month’s e book is Faker, by Gordon Korman. It’s a few child whose dad is a con artist and the child’s realization that his dad is unethical. Immediately in E book Membership, one boy raises his hand and says, “I feel the true victims on this e book aren’t the individuals who fell for the dad’s scams. The true sufferer is the primary character, as a result of his dad taught him that scamming individuals is okay.” Whereas nodding, I pop a number of rugelach into my mouth.
Within the afternoon, I do extra boring grownup issues like “go to the dermatologist” and “remedy.” Then I head again residence, the place I eat a fennel pork sausage on a brioche bun and three mandarin oranges.
I’m Puerto Rican, and an enormous approach that I join with my tradition is thru meals. Tonight, I resolve to attach by empanadas and rice. I begin by making a batch of picadillo, a conventional ground-beef dish that’s used as empanada filling. Then I defrost a pair packs of Goya frozen empanada shells. Subsequent, my son and I sit down on the kitchen desk and stuff the empanadas. (As a result of he’s 11, he’s nonetheless keen to do issues like this with me. I’m assuming one of these bonding will finish the second puberty hits.) As soon as they’re stuffed, we brush the empanadas with egg wash, sprinkle sugar on them, and pop them within the oven. Whereas they’re baking, I make some arroz con gandules, a magical Puerto Rican mixture of rice, pigeon peas, and pleasure. Throughout COVID, whereas everybody else was making sourdough, I taught myself find out how to make arroz con gandules. It stays one among my higher life selections.
When dinner is prepared, my son and I sit down with giant bowls of meals and play a recreation of Battleship. I win, however that’s not essential. (It’s crucial.)
Wednesday, February 12
I begin right this moment by making a batch of cinnamon rolls. Not the sort you make from scratch, the sort you make from a type of tubes that opens with a satisfying pop. They end up completely, in the best way that solely processed meals can. I’ve a annoying assembly this morning, so I take into consideration what I need to say within the assembly whereas sipping one more good espresso made with my Melitta 1-Cup Pour-Over Espresso Brew Cone. (Is it me or is the identify getting longer?)
Within the afternoon, I’ve plans to choose up a buddy from the hospital after she undergoes an outpatient surgical procedure. There isn’t a precise finish time for the process, so I’ll need to spend a while within the foyer simply hanging out and ready. Considered one of my best fears in life is being trapped someplace with out meals. So I throw a number of snacks in my bag. Then, proper earlier than I depart, I panic and throw in a number of extra. (It is a lifelong follow of mine. I’ve taken granola bars to the Emmys.) I arrive on the hospital and my buddy is able to go quarter-hour later. I’ve eaten all of the snacks.
For dinner, I meet my buddy Rachel at Gertrude’s in Fort Greene. Rachel and I had been excellent mates in third grade and rode the bus collectively every single day. Then her household moved away and we by no means noticed one another once more. Final yr, I used to be grabbing a drink in Brooklyn and felt a faucet on my shoulder. I circled and there was Rachel! We’ve been hanging out ever since, however as a substitute of on a bus now we do it at eating places.
Tonight we’re at Gertrude’s as a result of we each love its Soiled Gertie — a martini with dill aquavit and pickle brine. We order a spherical and resolve to share the half-chicken with roasted apples and the Gertrude’s Burger with shoestring fries. We’re supplied the choice to make the burger “Reuben model” and we settle for. Solely an insane particular person would flip down the chance to take an everyday, on a regular basis object and Reubenize it. Oops, the martinis go down in a short time, so we order a second spherical. I inform Rachel about my annoying assembly, and he or she nods with a stage of understanding you possibly can solely get from somebody you’ve ridden the bus with.
Thursday, February 13
I’ve an appointment very first thing within the morning to join TSA PreCheck — an errand I’ve been laying aside for the reason that invention of human-powered flight. I arrive at my native Staples, ready to attend in line for hours, and am completed in seven minutes. I can not consider how lengthy I put that off. In case you are additionally at present laying aside signing up for TSA PreCheck, do it now.
To reward myself for finishing one more grown-up activity, I head to my favourite bagel store. This place is a traditional New York institution; it serves wonderful meals — and it seems to be just like the Well being Division ought to shut it down instantly. The bagels listed below are so good and there’s at all times a line out the door on weekends. And the place is so soiled that if a rat walked out of the again and took my order, I might not blink. (I’m deliberately not mentioning this place by identify in case anybody from the Well being Division is studying.) I order a plain bagel with egg and bacon.
I eat the bagel as I stroll to my subsequent cease, a espresso store referred to as Cuppa Hive. At Late Night time With Seth Meyers, we’re emailed a sequence of monologue-joke setups every morning, after which we add punch traces to these setups. That’s what I’m right here to do that morning. I order a flat white with entire milk, open my laptop computer, crack my knuckles, and settle in. I really like monologue jokes a lot — they someway handle to speak each a punch line and a perspective in simply two sentences. They’re sharp and economical and typically even transferring. They’re the haiku of comedy. Late Night time has 5 devoted monologue writers, and collectively they crank out roughly 200 jokes a day. The present’s head author chooses ten or so for that night time’s monologue. With these odds, it’s not unusual to put in writing an enormous pile of jokes and have none of them chosen for that night time’s present — which is strictly what occurs to me right this moment. Listed below are three of my jokes that ended up within the trash:
Amid rising costs, some New York bodegas are reportedly promoting “unfastened” eggs. Additionally promoting unfastened eggs: fertility clinics.
A girl gave delivery yesterday in a New York subway automobile. Even crazier — nobody supplied her a seat.
A statue of writer F. Scott Fitzgerald was not too long ago stolen from exterior a college in Minnesota. And I feel everyone knows the place they discovered it. (PIC: THAT STATUE SITTING AT A BAR)
After writing my little comedy haikus, I head residence for lunch. I’m keen about cereal, and my favourite cereal of all time is Waffle Crisp — a meals so good it’s not out there in all markets. I at present have one (1) field of it in my home, and that’s as a result of I ordered that field on-line. My dedication to this cereal is aware of no bounds. I eat one bowl of it and inform myself I’m achieved. Then I snort and pour a second bowl.
EAT LIKE THE EXPERTS.
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